Journal Entry:

Why Is It So Hard to Be Kind to Ourselves?

March 20, 2024

Ever notice how easy it is to be kind to others but incredibly hard to be kind to ourselves?

This morning I caught myself doing that thing again.

You know — where you say something to yourself that you would never ever say to someone you love.

It wasn’t even a big moment, but I noticed it. Immediately my brain went: “You should’ve known better.”

And then I paused and thought… why do we do that?

Why is it so much easier to be compassionate toward other people than toward ourselves?

Maybe you’ve had that moment too.

Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and it turns out there’s actual research behind it.

Psychologist Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, explains that many of us grow up believing self-criticism is what keeps us motivated. In other words, we think being hard on ourselves will make us improve.

But studies show the opposite.

People who practice self-compassion are actually more resilient, less anxious, and more motivated to grow. They bounce back from mistakes faster because they aren’t wasting energy beating themselves up.

Which honestly makes so much sense when you think about it.

If a friend told me they made a mistake, I wouldn’t say, “Wow, you’re terrible.” Haha, can you imagine! That’s so mean!

I’d say, “It’s okay. You’re human. What can you learn from it?”

But somehow when it’s me… the rules change.

What Self-Compassion Research Says

I started reading more studies about self-compassion and interestingly enough, they all seem to point to the same thing.

Apparently kindness actually does motivate change better than criticism does.

When people feel safe with themselves, they’re more willing to try again after mistakes.

Instead of getting stuck in shame or frustration, they’re able to move forward.

And honestly, I’ve been trying to practice this more in my own life lately. Writing things down helps. If you’re someone who likes journaling too, I actually put together a list of gentle self-compassion journal prompts that can help you reflect on how you talk to yourself.

The Brain’s Negativity Bias

Another reason researchers say self-kindness is hard is because our brains are wired with something called a negativity bias.

Evolutionarily, our minds are designed to notice problems and threats first — it helped humans survive.

The problem is, that same system now turns inward.

Our brain scans for flaws, mistakes, things we “should’ve done better.”

And it can feel incredibly convincing.

But the truth is: that voice isn’t always reality.

It’s just an overprotective alarm system that never quite learned when to turn off.

Maybe Self-Kindness Is a Practice

I also think there’s another layer to this.

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that being kind to ourselves is selfish… or lazy… or indulgent.

Like if we stop criticizing ourselves, we’ll stop growing.

Which makes me wonder…

What if the goal isn’t to silence our inner critic completely?

What if the goal is just to soften it?

Maybe it’s simply noticing when that harsh voice shows up and gently answering it with something more human.

A Kinder Way to Talk to Yourself

Something like:

Sometimes even small reminders help. I keep coming back to simple words like this, and I’ve even collected a list of self-love and compassion affirmations for the days when that inner critic gets a little loud.

I’m realizing that being kind to ourselves isn’t natural for many of us.

It’s a practice.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe self-kindness is less like flipping a switch and more like slowly building a new habit.

I think this is part of living more intentionally too — paying attention to how we speak to ourselves and the small habits we build each day. I actually wrote more about this in my intentional living checklist, if you’re trying to slow down and be a little more mindful with your life.

Anyway… that’s today’s thought.

I’m curious — do you tend to be harder on yourself than you are on other people?